5 Truths Gen Xers and Millennials Have to Accept

September 5, 2024

Recently, during our 45-minute chat with Mallory McGrath, the Founder and CEO of Viive Planning, we touched on a number of topics related to aging, aging in place, and the dynamics of families with aging members. We’d heard of Mallory McGrath’s reputation for saying what needs to be said, even when it’s hard. She came as advertised.

“You should think about getting older the day you turn 18.”

When you’re young, it’s hard to appreciate how fast the time flies by. But you get an idea as you get older and the years meld together. If your 18-year-old has a job, remind them that it’s never too late to start both a retirement fund and a care fund.

And while your 18-year-old at home probably won’t be considering their own mortality, it would be a good time to start considering yours.

Mallory stressed the importance of having open conversations with your parents about their aging plans and of open dialogue between siblings about their parents’ aging plans.

“Family dynamics is rarely considered by traditional family planners,” she said. “ And they should be because so much of a plan’s success hinges on it being executed seamlessly, and non-communicative or dishonest family members can easily disrupt that seamlessness.”

Her advice is to remember that everybody is good at something. Set yourself and your siblings up to be successful by all having tasks in your respective wheelhouses. And agree at the outset to stay in your lanes.

“How you care for your parents will impact how your kids care for you.”

You don’t stop being an example to your kids when they get older. All they’ll know about caring for older family members is what they saw you do when you were in that situation. Beyond being there for your parents, showing your kids what tolerance, patience, loyalty, bravery, sacrifice, and positivity looks like in those situations will only help you in the future.

For some, however, parents make it difficult. But, as Mallory explained, not for the reason you may think.

“In my experience, most of the situations in which a parent is pushing their adult child away, it’s because the parent doesn’t want to be a burden on their child. It’s the right attitude but the wrong approach.”

Mallory says it will come down to the adult children sitting down and spelling out what they see as an opportunity rather than a burden and then taking advantage of the opportunities to spend more time, be of more service, create comfort and get to know their parents differently.

“These are uncomfortable topics,” she says about how she counsels her clients. “It’s better to risk pissing someone off than to not share important opinions.”

“Archetypes exist
for a reason.”

“Family dynamics are made up of archetypes and archetypal reactions, especially in times of stress or trauma,” says Mallory. “As your parents get older and caring for them gets harder, more expensive or both, you may see your siblings, children, and other relatives revert back into their archetypes. This is something you have to accept and not take personally.”

Mallory admits that this can be difficult because things are said and done. But she says it’s important to remember that everyone will handle stress and trauma differently. If you know in your heart that someone is trying to be helpful, you must do your best to be okay with a style that might differ from yours.

“If the alternative is no involvement at all, most people will take the help.”

“Your spouse will have a voice, whether your parents like it or not.”

This was an interesting part of our conversation because it’s a topic that Mallory is quite passionate about.

The reality, she says, is when an adult child gets married — and especially if they have their own family — their spouse’s opinion will be a factor. When a son or daughter-in-law’s points of view are not being considered, the adult child will hear about it every night before bed.

“Some older people have trouble managing the fact that their child’s spouse knows them better than they do or has more of a sway on their actions than they do,” said Mallory. “It can cause unbelievable friction that can last well past the passing of the parent.”

The way around this, like everything else, is open communication and making space for everyone involved to have a voice. And this is especially true if, she says, when the spouse of an adult child and the adult child’s sibling are more similar than either of them wants to admit. “Power struggles can be a thing,” says Mallory. “Left unchecked or unresolved, everybody loses in the end.”

“The longer you put off planning for the future, the harder it will be for you to have the kind of future you want.”

It’s uncomfortable math for some people and terrifying for others, but neither of those realities will lower the price of care. This, Mallory says, is why saving for retirement should also include saving for care.

“Few people in their eighties or nineties expected to live that long when they were in their 30s or 40s, and so didn’t plan for it,” said Mallory. “We know better today, and we have to plan accordingly.”

Of course, financial planning starts with wish planning, which is a family affair that requires a family conversation. Mallory says people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s should think about the kind of life they’ll want to have in the future (i.e., ageing at home vs. in a home; wintering south vs. in Canada, etc.) and work backwards, being sure to factor in the cost of care should their health or mobility deteriorate over time.

“The longer you put off planning for the future, the harder it will be for you to have the kind of future you want.”

To learn how to talk with your family about future care plans, contact Mallory at hello@viiveplanning.ca or 647-93-VIIVE.

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